My non-existent vision board never dreamed of breaking into Barneys, but Tracy (my fashion unicorn) seriously hooked me up.

I immediately emailed the contact at Barneys and, miraculously, they got back to me and scheduled a 15-minute presentation. Other friends told me it was a massive coup to even get the meeting. I was psyched.

Breaking into Barneys meant drooling over the lobby at corporate.

It felt like the biggest “audition of my life.”

I walked into a gorgeous, highly-secured building and sat in a slick waiting room with Barneys catalogs and photo books.

Eventually I walked into my…presentation? I guess? Suddenly the character-less room was cold and not exactly stylish. Very business-like. I was left for a few minutes and shamelessly snapped a pic to document this big-ass audition.

The not-stylish conference room as I’m breaking into Barneys.

Eventually the baby buyer and her assistant showed up. They were professional and expressionless – not unlike the infinite auditions I’ve given to a room of people paid to sit and judge.

I ran through the elements of my diaper bag for dads – padded laptop sleeve, zip-open changing station, 15 pockets, one pocket holds a sippy cup AND accommodates a bottle of wine for particularly hard days on the playground, quick backpack conversion, and instant access to wet wipes.

I finished in about 6 minutes (record time for an only-child actor who can easily talk about himself ad nauseum – and not always in 3rd person).

The buyer looked me straight in the face and, in the most unimpressed, flat-lining, “been there done that and over-it” tone imaginable, says, “In my 25 years of baby buying at Barneys, this is the best diaper bag I’ve ever seen.”

Lemme say that again:

“In my 25 years of baby buying at Barneys, this is the best diaper bag I’ve ever seen.”

Immediately I thought to myself, “Can you say that into my phone’s voice recorder for posterity?” But I didn’t have a moment to react, as she then asked, “What’s the price?”

I slid over my line sheet.

And then she laughed in my face.

I thought I was golden. Most men’s bags start at $800 on the Barneys website. How couldn’t this one with literal bells and whistles not retail for that much?

“No, sorry. It’s a different market. Diaper bags don’t go for that much. We have a Dolce & Gabbana bag on our floor we’ve marked down from $650. It just doesn’t sell.”

(I held my judgmental tongue from lambasting the unimaginable gold bling that would probably hang from a D&G diaper bag. Tacky.)

She went on, “Go make your wholesale price your retail price, and come back to us.”

Elated, jovial, stunned, emotional, overwhelmed and exhausted, I walked out of the biggest audition of my life a success. I was breaking into Barneys…with a caveat.

Now, I needed to figure out how to drop my bag’s price in half.